My Dear Readers ,
I am back, sorry for being away for a while; I have been dealing with several issues. See grieving is very personal; there is no formula for how one should grieve. For me coming to terms with reality has been very difficult. Some days I wake up full of energy, full of gratitude for seeing another and full of joy in my heart. On these days I will go out , play with my son , I will meet with my clients ( I am currently running my fashion house) and I will make time to go for a cup of coffee with a friend or two . Other days I will wake up with a heavy heart, I am sad and overwhelmed with sorrow, on these days I will hardly leave my bed or eat anything. On these days I will hardly have the energy to even have a phone conversation. On these days I will terribly miss my babies , I will remember the doctor trying to resuscitate my beautiful baby girl , I will remember the days I spent on the bed side of my handsome baby boy . I will ask myself if I should have done more for my children , I will wonder if I am doing enough for my baby Njiru ; I will feel guilty for not being able to carry my babies to term . These gloomy days have been more than my happy days of late and that is why I have been away. In the beginning I told you that this blog meant for me heal as well as to encourage somebody else going through a similar situation, I may not write a post every week but I promise to write whenever I have the strength to do so.
I could not sit down to edit this post because it bears very painful memories. There are memories about my time in hospital and the whole experience that I have purposely chosen not to revisit because they are too agonizing. Every time I remember the 21st of January my heart breaks into a thousand pieces. Saying goodbye to my baby girl who I had only met for a few hours crushes me .I remember her beautiful lifeless body on my hands .Even then I knew she would have been a very beautiful baby lady.
Last week I celebrated my birthday , on this day my son decided to be very clingy and at the same time bubbly and I thought to myself it’s not all bad . I have a wonderful miracle who reminds me every day that GOD IS STILL ON THE THRONE.
Having met my children on Thursday night … I was totally distraught. We prayed at the bedside of each baby with my husband before I went off to bed. At this point I just looked forward to taking them home, that is the only thought I could have. They were hooked to so many machines it was hard to see them. I went back to my bed and I was given a sedative to help me sleep. My sister and mum were still at the hospital even at this time My mum was tired but seeing me in tears from the NICU broke her. I could tell she wanted to look strong for me. The following weeks my mother would come the hospital everyday looking tired, confused and helpless. I now feel her pain because it truly hurts to see your child suffering and there is nothing you can do or say to make it better.
On 21st January was a Saturday the doctor came to inform me that triplet 2(Njiru) and triplet 3 (Njeri) needed blood transfusion. This was a bit scary though he told me it usually happens for preemies. I went into the NICU to greet my babies and to give a blood sample for the cross matching. I was still in a lot of pain so I did not stay for long. I went into the breastfeeding room to try n express some milk for the babies. The room was full of ladies who were also going through the same; their children were in the NICU. It was encouraging to hear that their babies were improving. Later the breastfeeding room would become my safe haven .A room where we would find so much comfort, where we would cry together and laugh together. A room where I found friends who have become sisters to me .
Like I mentioned earlier Memories of the first days in hospital are a bit lost to me. I was in a state of confusion and disarray. I did not understand what was happening …I would stare blankly for hours without movement sometimes I would walk the hospital halls up and down without being aware I was doing this. At around 4pm my friends came over to visit together with my sister. Then a NICU nurse came in at around 5 to tell me that triplet 3 (Njeri) was not doing well. At this point I asked my sister to ask my friends to give me a minute as I talked to the nurse. My husband was on his way to hospital by then…. I was scared and I began to say a little prayer only for the nurse to come back shortly and ask me to go to NICU. The doctor had asked to see me. At this point I panicked. Now the NICU is not a good place but another scary thing about NICU is having a nurse come to pick you up from your bed or the breastfeeding room. Usually it meant something is happening, and that something is most likely not good.
So the nurse helped me to the NICU where I found the neonatologist and a paediatrician attending to my baby. She was so tiny and the machines around her were too many. I can’t explain exactly what was going on but it was a horrific sight. The doctors were trying to stabilise her. At this point they explained that she had bled from the lungs _the doctor gave some other details but up to this day I do not remember what he said. All I know is at 6pm her heart stopped beating. My baby girl had gotten her angel wings. I watched her inhale her last breathe. I never got the opportunity to hold her when she was alive … or to tell her how much I loved her. I never got the opportunity to tell my baby girl that she was the most beautiful girl in the world. I never got to see my baby gal smile. By now my husband had arrived. We were now holding each other crying. How do you say goodbye to your own child? How do you say goodbye to a baby that you only met a few hours ago. A dark cloud covered the earth to mourn my baby girl. My baby girl was gone. My Baby Girl had gone to meet the Lord. My baby girl was too beautiful for earth.