Dear Marya Prude,
Allow me to call Mama Adana, I begin by acknowledging your baby and her presence in your life; The gift of having a life grow within you is beautiful and sacred and for that you will always be a mother. my heart aches for you and your husband, and for anybody out there who has lost a child. The pain of losing a child is unimaginable and crushing. Grief is a natural reaction to loss; it is also the last act of kindness we can show to a loved one. With grief comes a lot of sadness, anger, guilt, fear, loneliness, blame and more than I can list. The grieving process is personal and like no one’s other process. Grieving the loss of a child is lonely, isolating and terrifying. You are scared of anything and everything. I am hoping my words today will be a tiny drop of comfort to your pain.
I am sorry Marya, I wish I could hold you and comfort you. Tell you that everything will be okay and life will get back to normal. but I can’t lie; child loss is a difficult thing, Grief is messy, exhausting and worst of all misunderstood.
Give yourself time to mourn, be angry, bargain, repeat it all over and over again until you can finally emerge out of the darkness that has now swallowed you alive without growing afraid, anxious and inpatient.
Mama Adana, Cry, shed those painful tears, Scream, shout, do not hide your pain. The pain is real and so is the heart ache. You have lost a child who is precious and irreplaceable. It is okay to feel lost, powerless and helpless. It is okay to be angry with God; It is okay to ask Questions. Where were you God when I needed you?
We serve a mighty God; A God who can move mountains, but sometimes he doesn’t. It is hard to have faith in these doubtful moments. I have done it before, and so have many others; It is in our nature to panic, when we panic, we question God.
But Our God is loving, Our God is faithful, and our God listens, so tell him, talk to him, shout if you must, He can take it. Tell him what you are feeling, the questions, the anger. He can take it. Take your fears and burdens to him. God is on your side.
His comfort comes slowly in many ways – through his scriptures, through nature and through other people; God will put his arms around you and he will heal your broken heart.
I pray that you work through your grief and that with time you accept Gods compassion. There is freedom in surrender, there is peace in Trusting. This may not make sense, but isn’t that part of what makes him God?
You will be surprised by Gods abundant Grace. His Grace is above and beyond any human understanding, it cannot be described, nor can it be shared; It can only be felt …. And when it comes you will feel it and you will experience another side of God. A God who is more compassionate, more loving, more faithful and more of everything that is Good.
I can testify as a recipient of Gods overwhelming love and Comfort. Does that mean I do not hurt? No, I still Hurt when I think of my babies; I have days when I wake up and all I want to do is cry and give up on life but then where else can I turn to? God is the only one who can give me the strength to keep going
Dear mama Adana, Remember God is holding you and he is holding your tears.
I ask that Your true friends stand up, not the ones who are quick to tell you that you are young and you will have another child, not the ones who tell you to move on and conceive quickly. But true friends are the ones who give you as much time as you need to grieve, the ones who understand that grief is a personal experience that shall not be compared to any other person’s experience. The ones who acknowledge your loss and your pain, your anger and your confusion. Friends who accept that the old familiar person they used to know is gone. May you surround yourself with compassionate friends whose presence is their surest expression of Gods mercy to You; Friends who NEVER say “Move on”
Dear Mum, Remember no child dies without a legacy, it is up to us to keep the legacies of our babies alive; My son and daughter taught me about endurance, about having a fighting spirit, about grace but most importantly they taught me how to love; they introduced me to a world of genuine love and care , the kind of love that is pure and unconditional . I saw beauty in their eyes, even though we never spent a lot of time with them, their beautiful faces will never be forgotten to me.
Marya, Honor that little girl, you will not move on because you can never move on from love; Nothing, absolutely nothing including death will take the love you had for that child. So, tell stories of her little kicks that began as flatters in in your belly, her little hands and little feet that we did not get enough of, her beautiful face, tell it all, and never tire.
From another Grieving Mum.